Sometimes you have to breakdown before you can breakthrough.
It’s been exactly 24 hours, and here I am, face down again in the mud. I am hurt. I am sad. I am angry and in pain. I feel lost. I feel little. It feels like the nightmare of something that you worried about would happen and now that it finally has you don’t know how to face it. But you’ve been here before, and you’ve made it, and you’ve been back here again, and again you made it. But you still stop to wonder; why? Why do people leave? Why do the men who said they loved you, leave? When will the one who says it actually mean it and stay? Where is that man who can see me for who I really am, someone even more than my beautiful big heart? A man who won’t mistake my kindness for weakness. The one who can see the quiet strength behind the tears, the woman who even in the face of those tears will pick herself up off the floor, brush herself off and start all over again. I wondered how it was that I found myself here again. And like most of us when left with unanswered questions, we are forced to look within ourselves to find the answers. Here are the hard lessons of love I am learning in my 30’s. I am here again in this breakup grief because I have not yet learned the lessons, but I am on my way to becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to become. In fact, I am more than half way there. I don’t have to worry that I will keep falling down every time I think I finally got it right. I don’t have to worry about the next person who may leave because I know that when it is really meant to be, he will be there to stay. And for those who couldn’t join me on my journey, they are simply not part of the story. They only served as the catalysts to bring me where I need to be. It’s only when the wrong people leave your life that the right things will start to happen. I know the value of finding that beautiful, and quiet loving place within yourself first before being able to appreciate it in others. And when I look back at the closed doors, I know that they were closed for a reason. I know that God is protecting me from things that I can’t even see, but maybe he can. And although it hurts to think that you really had something only to realize that one day it is no longer yours, soon enough we realize that there is always something better. There is always the next best thing, which is always better than the last. It needs to hurt bad to jolt us to getting in touch with our own strength, otherwise, what is the purpose? Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City said it best, “when she was looking for something big, Mr. Big, but as it turns out when that big love comes along, it’s not always easy”. Maybe you do have to put up a fight for the one you love, but the only ones that are worth putting up a fight for, are those who give you a return on your investment. It takes time to love, and even more time to trust. True love is a time of becoming someone new. It’s letting go of what was, to make room for what will be. It takes a courageous heart to love wholeheartedly. After reflecting on these lessons, I was still reminded of this mans love. The love of a man who told me he felt accepted and understood. And now it is over. And there you are, left; mourning the dream of love while learning the lessons it taught you. And then you realize that the one meant for you will show up at the perfect time. The one worth all of this pain so you can both pave your path together. And neither one of you will have doubts when things get tough. There will be no questions. The truth will be there, without any effort, and without any fear. There will be a trust like you’ve never had before. A feeling that is so sacred that neither of you will ever want to let it go. And you won’t have to, because it will be there to stay, just as this man was. I don’t have to question if it was meant to be, of course it was. But sometimes we want forever, instead I had four months. So yes, it was meant to be, for as long as it needed to be there. And now you are alone, reminded what it is like to stand 10 feet tall without a man by your side. And you are reminded that there is no man in the world who can really break your spirit. You remember the words you spoke to your younger self in a published article you wrote titled, http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/a-love-letter-to-my-inner-child/, which honored how far that little girl has come. You know that your experience will give you the strength you need to dream up your own future and make it as big as you want it to be. The future that one lucky man will look at, and want to be a part of. That is the domain you are going to build, one that you are capable of building, without needing a man to cheer you on to do it. For a while I blamed myself. I wondered where it all went wrong. I wondered why he didn’t immediately regret his decision. Why didn’t he appreciate what he had? And then I realized that no two people are alike in their pain. Maybe he was just too invulnerable to even face his own truth. I suddenly felt compassion. I began to pray for this man. I also felt relief that I no longer had the need to throw myself at somebody who wasn’t willing to catch me. My heartbreak was a reminder that just because I felt ready to settle down, it didn’t mean I had to settle. Just because I let down my wall which left me open to pain, didn’t mean that the next relationship couldn’t lead to abundance. Because it is only in that place of broken-openness where we grieve, but it is also where we come alive. They don’t teach you in school how to be a girlfriend, or a lover, or a wife. We give what we can in the best way we know how to give. Then I started to think about relationships. I wondered what it is that makes them so great. And I realized that the great ones are those where you can be emotionally naked, so naked that you are frightened by your own exposure, but still make a commitment to stay. Those are the relationships worth fighting for, and the only ones worth having in your life. We can’t beat ourselves up if we start to worry that we could lose love again. Instead, we need to look inside our selves at those former lost loves that never really broke us down, but instead, shaped us into the person we were meant to become. The love that taught us how to rise up, stronger than we were before. Because that is powerful and it is real. That kind of love cannot be contained. In love, we invite, we surrender and we risk. But in the end we must never forget that our happiness is our own responsibility. A person can give us many things; their love, passion, protection, and strength. But they cannot provide us with total happiness. That beautifully wrapped box is ours waiting to be opened. No one else is holding it, that is just an illusion. So for all of those who are still trying to find their way, don’t give up on yourself. Trust in the universe. Trust in love. Believe in yourself, and never lose faith. Love is out there, in many ways and many forms. It is just like that beautiful butterfly we keep chasing, and as soon as we stop, it rests quietly on our shoulders, in the most perfect time, and in the most perfect way, just when we least expect it to.